I’m sitting in a cafe keeping a date with myself. New Years Resolutions and all that to make more time to to clear my head through writing. I know what you’re thinking. Great! More crazy stream of consciousness from Holly’s head. It can be ugly, I grant you. Truth is my brain is always going. On no sleep today (it just happens from time to time), and with kids back in school, I worry. I jokingly dubbed myself the Neurotic, Control freak, Nazi “mom” this Holiday season. A lot of good it does me to want to control my world, because it’s a force all it’s own. And I know that’s news to you. I’m wise in 2011.
It seems I have to re-experience this lesson over and over. I suck at stress and exhaustion. I ‘m terrible at tight schedules, severe discipline, and honest to goodness daily consistency. Now don’t misunderstand. I LOVE my schedule and really need structure in my life, but I also love tossing it out when the situation requests it. You might be asking yourself, what are the criteria for schedule changes? Seems it’s anything and everything. Internal, external, circumstantial, time of year, weather, mood, attitude, insomnia, and whim. Yes, Whim! The parts I can do something about are thrown about quite regularly by illness, injury and other circumstances beyond my control, like school schedules and homework. And if I’m honest it’s really easy for me to readjust it daily to suit me. That is a pro and a con. The part I can’t do a damn thing about is always there. The environmental allergens that give my kids allergies? All outside my home and completely outside of my ability to alter, fix, manage, control. You’d think I could contribute positively to the food they eat. Wrong. They are not allergic to food--technically--but sensory defensive and won’t eat hardly a thing that looks, smells or tastes like a vegetable or nutritious soup, stew or casserole. They should give up dairy completely to help reduce the histamine symptoms, but ...Hah! Other health factors like exercise are dependent on schedules. I usually get mine in mornings. Yoga, gym, a a dog walk, a family walk, a hike, but some days there are just too many demands on my time. Now I know some people who get up really early for this, but I can’t do it. My kids can’t do it. And my hubby--he can’t do it either. So it’s catch as catch can on the days when it’s not top priority. All complaints aside, there is a certain rythym to it all. When I can relax into it, it’s all good.
So back to those annual resolutions and goals for 2011. If I had one goal it would be to surf the waves of my life. But, I’m not really a good surfer. After years of yoga, my hips are somewhat flexible and I can stand on the board. The challenge for me is paddling out--that’s a lot of work and timing the wave to catch it. My general propensity is to paddle until I’m exhausted, miss the wave and them get thrashed by the oncoming ocean or just diddle about on my surfboard waiting for my wave. I think I need lessons.
Now, I’m a complainer, but I also have immense gratitude for my life. My friend calls it being the “Lucky Luckies”. I certainly am one of the “Lucky Luckies” . No doubt about the fact that I have a lot for which to be thankful. Trouble is I find it hard to land there and stay there. I suffer from a crisis of faith. It’s true. Not necessarily the religious kind of faith or the ‘everything’s gonna be ok’ kind of Reggae attitude that permeates American culture. I have the kind of faith crisis that is a failure to hold onto the big picture. I ‘m about details. I’m good at details. I notice them. I see them. I worry about them. I’m fabulous in a crisis. I can problem solve, find solutions, important info, get to the bottom of it. I can direct people, research, analyze, sort, document, track and follow a set pattern or instructions. I can explain it, too. What I can’t do--especially under any stress at all--- is relax, get creative, ride the wave and see the big picture. I tend to knuckle under and get to work to solve my stress. Play goes out the window. The attitude is work--hard and more. Calling it like it is, that’s completely contrary to Ahimsa. A spiritual condition of Do no Harm, or Non-violence in Yoga. Ambition. Vanity. Ego. I keep trying to get it, seeing that pattern over and over again, but somehow I can’t hold onto that either. It slips away. It must be riding the perfect wave without me. I know that stress and fatigue are my enemies, yet I can’t seems to find the right balance between activity and rest. I know my back pain is affected by instabilty, but I can find--or keep--the yoga and exercise routine that will mitigate the symptoms long-term. Everything I do that is outside my twice/thrice weekly yoga practice (I know! Daily Home Practice! Another Hah!) seems to be too much. I know that a bias to external rotation on leg and internal rotation on the other is a major factor in my back health, but I’m still liable to overdo it somehow, sometime. I’ll be honest and say that I just can’t judge accurately: Stress and fatigue. I feel fine and I overdo. What the heck. Can someone get me a barometer for this stuff or something? The way I know I’ve overdone it? My back goes out. My head hurts. My eyes get red. I feel feverish--and I can’t sleep. Too late. Already overdid it. Grrr!
So how to catch the wave? Hold the big picture? Accurately discern my state of being? Use right action to approach the tasks in my life? Sigh. I was hoping you’d know. My detail-oriented, work-aholic brain is looking for relief. I go to yoga and exercise looking for emotional relief until I throw my back out. I do laundry, errands, dishes until I drop. The irony? Nothing is ever done!!! How can that be? I have two friends with OCD. They keep IMMACULATE houses. I have laughingly said more than once that I would love to buy an hour of that! Same with childcare. Can I buy a D? D being Divorce, just for a week. I want Wednesday night off and I want it to be Scott’s weekend so I can go play! Ok. I know folks are gonna kick me for wishing for OCD and Divorce. I can’t help it. I’m a work-aholic! I don’t really need chemical intervention or a lawyer, I need a twelve step program!
My twelve-step program is surrendering to swim the ocean of my full modern life without drowning--even I can’t surf. It’s making time for yoga--sitting, breathing, moving quietly, deeply through asana as often as possible, walking in nature, connecting with friends and family softly. No push, no rush, no hurry, If it doesn’t easily line up in a day I’m letting it go. My real New Year’s Resolution is to be nice to myself. It’s ok to skip that hardcore workout for rest, it’s fine to do nothing even if there is a ton to do, it’s essential to dial down the stress, soften the attitude and practice true AHIMSA (non- violence) towards myself. I complained that I keep relearning this lesson. It’s true; I’m thick. Yet, each revolution of the wheel brings me closer to my core, truer, more relaxed self. And the big picture comes from going to yoga, staying inspired by my teachers, writing, sharing myself with the world sometimes and selfishly staying in others. Cheers to a quieter New Year in 2011. I resolve to love myself first. Om.
